So Very Hard

Yesterday was probably the hardest day I have had since Caleb was born and I actually learned a few lessons. After talking to the Docs, well in my case NOT talking to the Docs I was so upset I had to go off and be by myself. It was kind of like I was in mourning, I needed to mourn the fact that I did not have a perfect pregnancy, the perfect delivery, the perfect baby, the perfect anything, nothing happened the way I thought it should, the way I planned it. I am finally realizing that though Caleb WILL eventually have his primary repair, life STILL wont be perfect, he will be able to swallow and eat normally but he will ALWAYS have Esophageal Atresia, we will always have doctors appointments associated with this condition, we will always have to be careful about what he eats and how big the bites are but that is SO OKAY. In the end what most matters s that HE IS Here and he is my baby and I love him more than my own life. I would do anything for Caleb and Joel, they are the lights of my life but I know that no one knows or loves them more than my Heavenly Father.

I realized yesterday that I need to rely on Him a lot more than I have, I hadn't thought so but maybe I was putting more trust in the Doctors and not enough in God. I know that they are His instruments and no miracle happens without His hands.

I must say the Doctors had me so angry yesterday. On Monday they had said he was ready, the 2 ends were crossing, and they stopped inflating his balloons, on Thursday the Radiologist said the inner lining still had a small gap but the repair should still happen and yesterday they say a few more days. I feel bad because I was not very nice to them and I could tell they were disappointed as well and they were sorry that they had not discussed this possibility with us because they were sure all would go well, so I am trying to exercise forgiveness but if one more person tells me to be patient I am going to scream because I feel I have been very patient, and I wonder how patient they would be if their child was in the same position.

But I will exercise patience because i do want the best outcome for Caleb. He deserves it. And I do have faith, I know this s all happening for a reason and as soon as I find out what that reason is I will let you all know.

I must say that Joel has been absolutely fantastic! He took complete care of me and was by my side when I was ready to jump out a window. I love that he can be sensitive and strong at the same time. He is an AMAZING man, father, and husband, I wonder how many men could or would do as well as him!

Thanks for all of you prayers!

Ernestine